Untangling the Ryan Stuff — A Talk With Gavin

 

I spoke with Gavin this afternoon, properly spoke , the kind of conversation where he looks at me like he can see straight through every lie I tell myself.

 

And of course, Ryan came up.

 

Gavin asked me something simple that rattled me more than I expected:

 

“Why do you think Stefan said that thing about Ryan not caring if you killed yourself?”

 

And the answer came out of me before I even had time to sugar-coat it:

 

He wanted a reaction.

 

He wanted to see me flinch.

He wanted to see me hurt.

He wanted confirmation of something he already suspected:

 

That I cared about Ryan.

More than I ever should have.

 

But the thing is… I didn’t react.

 

I didn’t give him the explosion he wanted.

I didn’t scream, cry, panic, or fall apart.

I just swallowed it and carried on.

 

He said that Stefan saying that is not ok, no healthy person uses your mental health as a weapon against you 

And Gavin watched me for a second, then nodded — like he’d been expecting that.

 

The Jem thing

 

I told Gavin about how Stefan had mentioned Jem too — how he knew Ryan would eventually go after her, because he tried to flier with her cos he wanted what he had , I had to laugh , she’s sweet and i think she could make Ryan happy 

 

And Stefan tried to push my buttons with that as well.

Telling me Ryan would choose Jem.

Telling me he’d go after her.

 

And again…

I didn’t react.

 

Because yes, I can be jealous.

He knows that.

He’s seen it.

But I refused to let it show.

 

Maybe Stefan wanted to test me.

Maybe he wanted proof that Ryan meant something to me.

Maybe he wanted to catch me slipping.

 

But the truth is, I don’t need to pretend:

 

I did have feelings for Ryan.

Real ones.

And im doing my best to let go. 

 

But even after everything…

even after all the mess 

 

If he got with her?

 

I told Gavin the honest truth — the kind that feels like it stings coming out:

 

If Ryan and Jem got together, yes… I’d feel sad.

I’m human.

It would hurt in that quiet little private place I don’t let anyone see.

 

But more than anything?

 

I’d be happy for him.

 

Because he deserves someone good.

Someone steady.

Someone who won’t break him or complicate his life.

 

I don’t want him unhappy.

Not ever.

Not even if it means the door between us stays closed forever.

 

And saying that out loud —

realising it wasn’t bitterness,

or pettiness,

or jealousy that I felt…

 

…but something softer, more grown, more painful…

 

It surprised me.

 

Wanting someone to be happy,

even if their happiness has nothing to do with you.

 

And then I spoke about the realisation that’s been hitting me harder than I expected: that Stefan loved me, and I didn’t love him back. And Ryan… well, I had feelings for him, No i didnt love him , I had feelings in my own way, and he didn’t have them back. Karma is a bitch, and she’s cruel too.

 

I told Gavin about the pneumonia, and how hard it is to breathe—not just physically, but emotionally. Because when your chest is tight, your heart feels even tighter. Everything feels heavier. As my health deteriorates i contemplate just stopping it, cos I dont know if I can carry this on any more. I ready to give up