My Karma

When Gavin and Calvin Met Julie — The Moment Everything Spilled Out

It happened completely by mistake.

I thought Julie, my Macmillan nurse, had said 10am.
She had actually said 9am.
And Gavin and Calvin — my Crisis Team mental health therapists — had already been at mine since 8:30, talking through everything I’d been dealing with.

So when the door knocked and Julie walked in, all three of them just… stared at each other.

Two mental health nurses.
One cancer nurse.
And me, sitting in the middle of a mess I’d been trying so hard to keep in separate boxes.

Gavin and Calvin looked confused.
Julie looked confused.
And I just felt exposed.

Julie introduced herself softly, like she always does:

“Hi, I’m Julie, I’m from Macmillan.”

And then both men turned their heads toward me at the same time — like something finally clicked.

“Macmillan?”
“Cancer?”

I tried to brush it off with a shrug, like it was no big deal, like I wasn’t holding half my life behind a locked door.

“Oh.
Yeah.
I’ve got cancer.”

It came out flat. Too calm. Too casual.

So I forced a half-smile and added:

“Stage 2.
I fought it before… but it’s come back.”

I watched their faces change — shock, concern, then that kind of quiet sadness professionals get when they’re trying hard not to overwhelm you with sympathy.

And then, because my brain gets cruel when I’m vulnerable, the words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them:

“It’s karma.”
“This is what I get for being a horrible person.”
“I deserve this.”

I saw all three of them react at once.

Julie stepped forward with that calm, grounding nurse energy she has.
Gavin shook his head instantly, eyes soft but firm.
Calvin leaned forward like he wanted to pull those words right out of the air before they could land.

And the room went quiet — the thick, heavy kind of quiet where truth sits between four people and no one knows what to say first.

Calvin knelt in front of me

Not punishment.
Not payback.
Not because you catfished Ryan.
Not because you made mistakes.**

Illness does not come from being a “bad person.”
Cancer happens to kind, loving, honest, selfless people every day.
It happens to children.
It happens to people who have never hurt anyone.
It happens because biology goes wrong — NOT because you deserve it.

You are in pain.
You are exhausted.
You are scared.
And when people feel this way, their mind looks for reasons — and it tries to blame you, because that feels easier than accepting something cruel and random just happened.

But that isn’t truth.
That’s fear talking.
And fear lies.

You are not being punished.

You are not a horrible person.
You made a mistake out of loneliness, vulnerability, emotional need — not malice.
And you have shown more remorse and self-awareness than most people ever do.

Bad people don’t feel the kind of guilt you feel.
Bad people don’t reflect the way you’re reflecting.
Bad people don’t care about the harm they caused.
You do.

That alone proves you are NOT bad.

You are sick because your body is fighting something difficult — not because you “deserve” it.

Your body needs care, compassion, rest.
Not punishment.
Not blame.
Not self-hatred.

Right now, you are being incredibly brave in a situation that would break anyone.
You’re hurting physically and emotionally — that does not make you bad.
It makes you human.

But I Believe this is my Karma !  we shall see if i pay for my mistakes i believe Karma will Win this

My song below what I wrote to Ryan  turned into a song